If one half of a couple is addicted to pornography in a monogamous relationship, it is a certainty that over time, the amount of sex that couple will have will reduce significantly (and eventually disappear altogether) and that any sex they do have will gradually become less loving and more perverse or aggressive as time goes on.
Many partners of porn addicts explain how at the start of their relationships their sex lives were breath-taking and about emotional and sexual intimacy but that over time – as their partner’s porn use increased – sex became less tender, more aggressive and far less frequent.
As this happens, many partners gradually begin to feel nothing more than objectified tools for the instant gratification of their porn addict – and totally interchangeable with porn – and cry inwardly at this. Some feel like punching their addict in the face when they are reduced to body parts to be mauled and assaulted during sex. They know their partner’s minds are with the porn images and porn performers they have seen and that they are – in effect – just pseudo sex dolls. They cease to feel cherished as a result. For many, kissing vanishes too – both from sex and their relationship as a whole.
Many loved ones feel that their partners would rather be having sex with “perfect” porn performers and not with their imperfect selves and this makes them feel ugly and undesirable which slowly but surely chips away at their self esteem more and more every day. This is made all the worse when porn addicts ask their partners to re-enact porn scenes they have seen or to act like porn performers during sex. Knowing their partners can only keep an erection if they do, they comply but then feel cheapened afterwards. Sex soon becomes utterly devoid of any real intimacy as a result. Sometimes, partners are not even asked for sex but are just taken roughly from behind. Others are groped whilst they sleep. This is probably because their addict has been watching “unconscious porn”.
As their partner’s addiction escalates, loved ones are often asked to do increasingly disturbing sexual things such as: remove all body hair so they look like the barely legal/ teenage bodies their partners are viewing; engage in S&M and bondage; have pain inflicted on them; have other people involved in their sex (which include “lesbians”, “shemales” and prostitutes); dress like porn performers or strippers; allow themselves to be slapped or strangled and are asked to have rough anal sex – amongst many other things and usually dependent upon what the porn addict has been viewing.
Their porn addicts soon begin to scare them. At first loved ones believe their partners behavior is simply sexual experimentation but soon realise something seriously untoward is happening yet loved ones can still be plagued with the feeling that it is they who are over-reacting and their partner usually agrees – telling them it is they who are “prudes”. Many loved ones do not want to be giving their partners what they often term “the nastier stuff” because it feels like a sort of rape to them but often do not have the strength to say no because they fear their addict will do porn all the more – and this is one of their worst fears as the porn is “competition”. One woman in my research wrote “Porn to me is like him having a lot of different mistresses – all of which my husband prefers to me. My husband has something that I can’t compete with – a never-ending stream of women who will do whatever he wants and ask for nothing in return.”
Often, porn addicts will go to porn for their arousal prior to sex leaving their partners naked in bed waiting for them. This hurts partners deeply. Sex then usually lasts only a few minutes and then the person leaves them immediately after climax (that is if climax is still possible due to the erectile dysfunction issues addicts have due to escalating porn use which is often the case).
The partners of porn addicts become obsessed over time with trying to get closer again to their loved ones as well as doing all they can to control or stop their partners porn use and will often go to great lengths to try and accomplish these things. In the process they often end up abandoning all their inhibitions and do things they do not want to be doing. But even “spicing things up” (like being filmed, photographed, going to adult or swingers clubs with their partners or adding more people to the sexual mix) does not keep their partners attention for long. More is then expected sexually of the partner. And whether the loved one gives the addict sex or not, the porn use never stops regardless how many times a day sex is given. Often, partners find their partners doing porn soon after having sex with them.
Often loved ones will start off being “the cool wife/ partner” by watching soft-core porn with the person, getting them subscriptions to porn magazines or porn channels as well as doing the whole “strip club” thing with them but none of these things bring the couple closer together. Quite the opposite in fact. It pushes them further apart because the loved one is enabling the addicts addiction and sex eventually becomes non-existent. Instead the addict just ends up just wanting to do porn on their own as their addiction progresses and the loved one is always thrown on the sexual scrap-heap feeling like just a room-mate to the person. If sex happens at all, it is usually the partner who initiates it and even then, there’s no foreplay or warmth and the addict has trouble orgasming or simply just staying erect/ aroused. Often addicts will fake orgasm then masturbate to porn whilst their loved one is asleep next to them. Addicts cunningly cover their backs by asking for sex only when their partner is too drained to be able to do it. Begging for sex starts to become humiliating for loved ones.
And so it goes on and on… Sometimes loved ones sleep on the couch to try and get the person to see sense but their addict simply does porn more now they don’t have to think of their partner being in the bedroom. Or the porn addict says they have erectile dysfunction due to being on an anti-depressant only to then be caught by their partner downloading porn and masturbating. Porn addicts end up complaining to their partners about being hounded for sex which leaves the self esteem of the loved one in shreds. This is the same for gay and straight relationships and where the porn addict is male or female.
And yet here is the irony… When the partners of porn addicts are being rejected left, right and centre sex wise their porn addicted partners are likely acting out with 3D games that allow players to “have sex with” performers where they can “give performers virtual orgasms”. If they are not doing that they also have the choice to buy and “have sex with” performer “body parts” (vagina and anus) made in the performers exact measurements. The real life partner is dying inside waiting for their loved one to touch them meanwhile “sex” is going on with a blow up body part and one day soon, a virtual reality avatar.